Where I am

The last 5+ years have been, for me, a period of great solitude. The loneliest I ever felt though was when I was living in Wellington surrounded by people who I know loved and still love me. My second family. There was so much to do and see. It still doesn’t make complete sense to me why I was so unhappy.

I saw my sister, who was in Wellington too, several days a week. I had jobs and friends who I saw quite often and could have seen more if I’d put more effort in, and I was studying most of the time. I was playing tennis and had joined a gym. I went to the movies and plays, to bars and clubs. From the outside it must have looked like I had it pretty together. I never felt that togetherness in my head though.

One of few clear recurring memories I have of my last few years in Wellington is sitting alone in the shower, hot water cascading over my shoulders, saying aloud over and over again, ‘Help me! Help me! Help me!’. I had a little respite one year when I was in a committed relationship but I decided it wasn’t for me and that was the end of that.

Since moving back to Hawkes Bay, I’ve basically been trying to devise ways to get back there, to Wellington, where I belong. Until now.

I held great contempt for this place growing up. It remained every time I came back during holidays to visit. It is there still when I remind myself of how, in a moment of weakness – to be fair, I did think I was dying – I chose to stop fighting and go back to where I started.

I spend almost all of my time alone. I’m not feeling sorry for myself here. It is what it is. People are busy and I am not.

At first, the difference between the number of people I saw in a day compared to now did upset me. It even made me a bit angry. It was the most jarringly difficult decision I’ve ever had to make, to move from a place that I loved to a place I can barely tolerate. I expected a lot more people on a more regular basis in my life when I moved. It was the main reason I decided to do so. Unhappiness at your current situation is not really a good enough reason to move locations, I’ve discovered.

I would still like to go back to Wellington one day. It’s not as important to me anymore, though. I’m quite content where I am. I’m certainly more content with who I am.

I still don’t like the place but I am happier than I’ve been for years. The problem wasn’t where I lived. The problem was in me. Perhaps I needed to come home to learn that.

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